mitsubishievo | O, daĭ mi lyubovta [for Jack]

Entry tags:

O, daĭ mi lyubovta [for Jack]

Kavinsky gave himself a week. He gave himself a week of distance and focusing on other things, and he was going to get over this stupid infatuation. The knowledge that Jack liked someone else was almost settling, really. It helped to keep the onus of his behavior on himself. Jack was a good kid, and he deserved to have some comfort, and if that meant he explored himself a little bit, then more power to him.

And, well, Kavinsky knew that rough sort of liking someone and being unsure how they felt. At least Poison seemed a relatively safe sort to have a crush on, as far as first queer crashes went. Kavinsky couldn't blame Jack for that, at least.

So, he gave it a week. A week, and then he'd be over this stupid infatuation.

God, he hoped so.

He texted Jack in anticipation of harassing him at his apartment--deliberately not thinking about Chelsea Cloisters, his history with the building, with people who had lived here once, with things he had done here--a simple im coming over and u cant stop me approximately five minutes before he arrived at Jack's door and knocked, sharp and succinct.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I mean, there's nothing wrong with taking some time and space to figure your shit out, dude," Kavinsky said with a shrug. He'd just taken a week to figure his shit out, after all--much more successfully, for the most part, even if it had solved absolutely nothing, than the last time he'd gotten emotional over someone. "And you seem way more emotionally stable and mature than me, so, like. You seem like you'd manage to figure your shit out."

"I feel like I can't think straight when I'm around him? Like he's all sharp edges and swagger and he makes me feel like such a kid, and then he was looking at me last night and...Jesus."

His face flushes again. "Yeah. I've got some shit I need to figure out."

Kavinsky smiled, only a little bitter. Maybe he'd softened too much since he'd gotten to Darrow. Maybe it was because he wasn't alternative looking enough. Maybe it was that he'd helped Jack, where Jack had helped Poison. Maybe he should just stop thinking about why it was he hadn't warmed Jack's bed last night, since it didn't fucking matter.

"I mean. You're having a sexual awakening and shit. He should fucking understand that shit, man. Give yourself a little time to figure that shit out." He was quiet a moment. "And if you need to talk about gay shit, I'm here? I started screwing around when I was, like, fourteen."

"I think that the time when I was, like, ready to start screwing around was also the time my sister went off the deep end," says Jack, shrugging. He can't remember how much he's told Kavinsky about Jillie. Poison knows everything, he knows that much. "So I never really got the chance."

"Shit," Kavinsky said. It was not the first allusion Jack had made to his sister's health, but definitely the most direct. He was formulating concepts of her, of Jack's life. He wasn't sure if he ought to ask about it. Jack had showed up in Darrow at a dead faint; there was clearly something tied in with his shit that he wasn't fully dealing with, or was dealing with too much, as far as Kavinsky was concerned.

"Yeah, that'd be rough. And I bet the whole Buddhist, do not harm, whatever probably throws a skew on all the really fun sex stuff." Or maybe Kavinsky just had opinions on what qualified under fun. He winced, just a little. At least he was a month out from being a bruised mess, anymore.

"She's a disorganised schizophrenic. It makes telling delusion from reality really, really difficult." He forces his expression mild, rolled his shoulders in a shrug. "But she's always been able to keep me straight, so that means I've always had to be around. When we were sixteen, she had...yeah. It was rough."

The rest of what Kavinsky has to say makes him blush. "Yeah. I. Have been thinking about that. Maybe?"

Kavinsky suddenly had a distinct memory of sitting in a therapist's office, shortly after the event with his father, shortly after they moved to Virginia, and listening as the doctor told his mother what he thought was wrong. He swallowed, compulsively. He had no reason to think that Jack's sister was anything like him, but he understood that feeling of helplessness, when you struggled to tell the difference between reality and unreality, and the world told you you were sick.

He'd just told them exactly what they wanted to hear so they wouldn't lock him up, and learned, quickly, how to hide everything else in plain sight.

"Sorry," he said, and shook his head. He laughed. "I'm sorta messed up about sex, probably. I shouldn't load that off on you. Lots of people have totally normal, fun sex and don't worry about that stuff. And you did too last night. And this morning."

"It was weird," says Jack, with a roll of one shoulder. "Like. He makes me want to be possessive in a way that sort of scares the shit out of me."

"No, I get that," Kavinsky said with a broad shrug. "I get like that with my boys, sometimes. But I think that's more defense posturing on my part. Like...of course they'd wanna look at other people. Of course other people would want to look at them. And they're just so damn good for each other, like. Damn. I am shooting way out of my league here."

He laughed and smiled, turning his ring slowly. He put Jack and Poison next to each other in his minds eye and, yeah. They fit. Poison was all energy and excited gestures, and Jack was an image of calm, and they might find a balance that would work. The jealousy spiked in him brutally for a moment, and he shoved it down, just as brutally.

"I got it most when I was..." Jack closes his eyes, looking utterly mortified for a moment. "When I was fucking him last night. Like. I wanted to be rough with him? I'm not sure it makes sense."

Kavinsky blew out a breath and closed his eyes for a moment, but then had to open them, immediately, because he didn't want his imagination getting away from him. The last thing he needed was to make this weird. For once, he was grateful that he was a mostly slow start to things, that he had a practiced distance from his sex drive.

"I mean," he said, and looked over at Jack, "if you guys were both into it, then there's nothing wrong with that. Everybody's into their own stuff. But, yeah, it can be...it can be a lot, the first time."

"Do no harm, right?" he says, rolling his eyes at himself and sliding down in the sofa. "Fuck. I'm never going to be able to speak to him again. I'm terrified that he's going to be like, yeah, cool, bro. And like, dismiss me out of hand?"

"That seems pretty...constrictive? I dunno, man. Like, is it doing harm if you're both into it? He's into it, you're into it. So it's not hurting anybody. It's not like you're getting off on beating the shit out of someone who's not about it."

He was quiet a moment though, head tilted all the way back onto the back of the couch. "If he blows you off after last night then, like. Fuck him, man. That's shitty. I've been there, though. It blows but. But whatever. You're better than that. It's rough, but you get through it."

"Rationally, I know that and...based on things I know now, I think he'd be pretty into it." Jack flusters all over again. His jaw works. "I mean, like. I've got no right to expect anything other than a one night thing, right? I've just got my head around that idea before I see him again just in case he's like...nothing happened? You know?"

"I mean, I doubt he'll be like nothing happened," Kavinsky pointed out with a shrug. Poison didn't strike Kavinsky as that kind of guy. Maybe he was just in it to tap ass--which would be shitty of him--but he didn't seem like the kind of guy who would act like the thing never happened at all.

"Look, just give yourself some space. Some time to think, to figure out how you feel about it--about everything you did. Not about the squishy feelings part of things, but, ya know. The humping part."

"The humping part." Jack laughs, a sudden spurt of sound that makes him sound younger than he is. He shakes his head. "Jesus. Yes, okay. I do. I need to get my head around that before I think about anything else. You're right."

"I mean, let's be real, the humping part is, like, the best part," Kavinsky said, grinning. "But it's also the part that's the easiest to parse out. Squishy feelings make things messy. 'Do I only wanna hump this guy because it's this guy?' So...ya know, take Poison and all your squishy feelings about him outta the equation for a little while."

He picked up his teacup again and sipped it. The tea had gone cold, but that was fine. "I hear porn's really good for figuring out if you're into the general concept of a thing, and not just one particular person? I don't really watch it."

"No?" says Jack, glad to move the conversation onto slightly more general terms for a moment. "Any particular reason? Just doesn't do it for you?"

Jack watches what he feels like is a reasonable amount of porn for someone his age. He's definitely noticed his tastes branching out recently.

Kavinsky shrugged, trying to pinpoint what it was about porn that just didn't do it for him. He liked watching it with someone--as long as there were no girls in the scene--and he didn't mind watching it to laugh at because, frankly, porn was fucking ridiculous. But he didn't seek it out. He had dreamt himself skin magazines, time and again, hoping for something. But nothing there, either.

"I'm defective," he settled on after a moment's thought, and then laughed and shrugged. "I don't really...anything, left to my own devices. Like, I think about that shit all the time, I have since I hit puberty. I just...need a hell of some motivation to jumpstart."

"Don't say that," says Jack, his nose wrinkling it distaste at the term that Kavinsky uses. "I...watch porn? A reasonable amount I guess? Nothing misogynistic and shit." He shakes his head. "Motivation? Like...being with someone?" He shrugs. "Poison was my first so I've figured a lot of shit out on my own, I guess."

"Newt watches porn. I have watched porn. I've got nothing against it." He shrugged vaguely. Explaining things was strange, when it came to this. He didn't know quite how to articulate it, like there was something his mind was purposefully avoiding thinking about. But he wasn't entirely sure what. He knew, entirely, all his past and all his mess about sex. "And yeah. I mean, being with someone. It used to not be, I could do it with whoever. I did. It was always a secret, but I've been fucking around since I was barely fourteen. Handjobs and blowjobs and getting fucked. But I don't get turned on by myself. Practical, rather than theoretical."

Jack's pretty sure that he's never had a conversation with anyone quite like this one. Just Jillie, maybe. They'd occasionally talked about these things. He wishes that he could visit Jillie, tell her about Poison.

"Part of me wishes I had more context, you know? Like, it's so difficult to separate what I'm feeling from the fact that it's him."

"Yeah, I know what that's like." Not just with Newt and Al, but Kavinsky had felt miserably overwhelmed by Prokopenko, and by the businessman in DC, and by Connor Walsh. Sometimes, so many times, sex was just sex and it was easy to remove himself from anything else there. But he shrugged just a little bit. "There's nothing wrong with a lack of context, dude. It's probably healthier for you or something. The shrink I went to, years ago, said it was weird that I started fucking at fourteen."

"Yeah, but feeling this about someone else would have been helpful," says Jack, rolling his eyes. "I had the start of it was Bex, but it wasn't driving me crazy yet, not like this. Sienna was just..." He shrugs. "That was a mistake. A fun mistake. But."

"Maybe you're just gay," Kavinsky said with a casual, sort of bored shrug. He looked at Jack, and then down, then back to Jack again. "I tried fooling around with girls. Lots of gays manage it a while. Lots of gays manage it forever. But maybe, ya know. Sexual awakening and shit. Maybe you're not bi--maybe you're just gay."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject